The Bling Ring
by mrkindgirl
Summary: A story of love, life, and fellowship, it will bring a grown man to tears. dun cry plz.
1. Chapter 1

**UPDAT: sorry for the delay ladies and germs lol, but i've been busy bcuz i have a life, kthnxbai. hope you enjoy and comment! mwa!**

One day, I was spending some time alone in the woods just outside Hobbiton. I looked at the moon hanging in the sky with my glacial blue eyes as my long golden blonde hair shimmered in its light. My slender body was naked as I swam in the glistening blue pond, exposing all my smooth ivory skin. I go by the name of Evangelina Moonstone Taella Vesper, but most ppl just call me Evie. I am 17 years young and am a hobbit so that means I'm really short, but tats ok because guys say it makes me cute and small. Suddenly I heard noise in bush and I said very afraid "who is ther?"

Suddenly, frodo and sam fell out of the bushes and they said, "ow."

"Frodo! Sam! were u guys spying on me?" I yelled madly.

"No!" cried frodo. he was blushing hard and looking at the grond boshfully.

"Frodo and me have to go now," said sam, tugging frodo.

"wat is the hurry? Where r u guys going so late leaving Hobbiton?" I asked very curious.

"It's none of ur f**** busines wher me and mr frodo go. back off u slut," said Sam angrily.

"Sam!" screamed frogo. Frodo grabbed a knife and put it close to Sams neck. He eyed at Sam angrily then turned to me wit a tender gaze and said, "Srry, Evie. let's go talk somewhere."

Frodo pulled me to a corner and said, "We are sent on an important mission. goodbye." Frodo pressed his soft lips to my foehead.

I said "why? i want to come wif you!"

"No!" tears begin to well up in frodos big blue eyes, "I dun want u to get hurt."

"iam strong and u know it!" I shouted defiantely

Sam was sneakily eeavesdropping on the conversation and suddenly an evil plan entered his little mind. He would plot to kill evangelina along their journey and she wud die and sam could have mr frodo all to himself.

Sam approached the two of us and said, "Mr Frogo I think this is a good idea."

"Why Sam?" Frodo looked at him with rage, turning his blue eyes to maniacal red, "u want to see her get hurt. Is that it you bastard?" frodo shovved same to a tree and thrusted his fist across sam's face.

"Frodo stop!" i screamed scared.

He wouldn't stop. He threw punch after punch at Sam's fat gut and Sam said "oh! ouch mr frodo! pleaaaase. dis hurts me!" but Sam was secretyl happy to be having so much attention from Mr Frodo.

I leaped out of the water and threw my naked self on Frodo. "please..." I held him tight as I could, "please stop" I sobbed, " u onyl hurt urself when u hurt him."

Frodo froze and his body stiffened, "I sorry Evangelina." he looked at me and released Sam.

"Now plz, lemme go wit u and sam. I can help u control ur anger Frodo."

"ok," said frodo who was crying into his shirt.

Sam put a comforting hand on Frodos shoulder and whispered, "its okay mr frodo. i forgive u."

"Shut the hell up Sam," Frodo continued crying.

Sam noticed that evangelina was still neked and was afraid it would distract mr frodo so he said, "here evangelina, take my shirt." same ripped off his tunic, baring the blubbery, hairy chubs of fat on his torso. he hoped this would impress mr frodo.

"Thank u," I smiled sweetly and twirled one of my golden locks.

"Let's go," said Frodo with an angry look on his face. He pushed pastsed us with clenched fists.

"I hate when he gets like this," I shook my head.

Sam whispered under his breath, "I luv it..."


	2. Chapter 2

One day, Frodo, Sam and Evie were walking through the forest. They were leaving Hobbito forever and this made Evie rlly sad. Evie was secretly crying in her sleeve but she hoped no one would notice. But Frodo knew. He always knew.

"What is wrong, my love," asked Frodo really concerned.

Sam got really angry by this.

"Nuffing," Evie sniffled, "I dun want to leave Hobbiton. I will miss Bilbo and the other hobbits."

"I do not miss bilbo," said Frodo, "He used to beat me when I was little."

"OMG!" Evie screamed, "I had no idea."

"It ok, no one did."

Sam got excited, "I knew Mr. Frodo. i saaw him beat u when I was watering your flowers so I shot him before we left."

"WTF sam! u shot my only livin father? YOU BASTARD!" frodo threw Sam into the nearby pond and began drowning him.

"NO!" I screamed! "You will attract the orcs!~"

...but it was too late. Evie could already hear the stomping of homongous orc feet. Evie grabbed Frodo as quickly as possible and dragged him into a bush... but she had no time to reach Sam. So while Evie and Frodo were hidden, Sam was still left in the open when the orcs came.

"oh no!" Evie could not bear to watch and crystalline tears fell from her beautiful blue eyes.

suddenly, the orcs started raping sam. it was vicious.

"de horror!" screamed Evie!

"there is nothing we can do," Frodo stared intently at what was taking place.

"nooooo!" screamed Sam, "No! oh! Mr Frodo! No!"

"we have to do something," said Evie bravely, "do you have any weapons on you?"

"no," sighed frodo.

Evie checked her pockets. She found her iphone and said, "will this work? i cannot throw bcuz my arm is very fragile because I broke it. whip this at them."

Frodo took the iphone and pressed the photo capture button, "dis is definitly going up on my facebook." he chortled.

"No!" screamed Evie, "Stop that! u know what u have to do wit it!"

"oright," said frodo. He pressed the record button, "u r on youtube, btiches."

Evie grabbed the iphone and hurled it as hard as she could at the orcs. her throw was so powerful it was almost like a fireball and all the orcs died.

"OMG! Evie! u r a wizard! like Gandalf the Gey!" Frodo said and kissed Evie on the cheek softly.

"orlly?" blushed Evie, "thnx"

"Dammit Sam, put on ur clothes," Frodo said angrily.

"o yes, Mr Frodo," Sam blushed because he was naked in the woods and everyone was staring at him. unfortnately, the fireball had burned sam's clothes so he would stay naked forever! Evie used quick thinking and covered up Sam with a single Maple Leaf. she used glue to make it stick.

"U r so smart sweetie," Frodo kissed Evie really hard on her cheek.

Sam got so enraged, he turned hot everywhere and the maple leaf got incinerated.

"wtf?" exclaimed Frodo, "Sam! u pervy narcissist! stop showing off ur junk! PUT IT AWAY NOW!"

"But Mr. Frodo! I can't! The leaf! It just disappeared!"

"u bich," screamed frodo and he took out his razor-sharp knife and chopped off Sam's wiggly bit.

and so, they continued on their journey.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

AN: listen up peepz, apparntly i need more explanation: da reason y bilbo is abusive is bcuz he drinks lots of ale and tea so he gets rlly drunk, n frodo is always so angry and destrvtctive is becuz he got beats as a kid by alcoholic bilbo, and da reason sam loves frodo is bcuz he is attracted to violent men! der, i hope that clears that up.

One day, Frodo, Sam and Evie were walking through the forest. It was warm and sunny and the birds were chirping, "twit twit twit." Every1 was happy, even Frodo. Frodo was so happy, he almost forgot he was beaten as a child.

"Come Evie," winked Frodo as he pulled her along to the nearby corn crop field.

"OMG, where r u taking me Frodo," she blushed brightly.

They raced toward the corn crap eagerly. Sam was coming too.

"Did I say you could come Same?" Frodo screamed really angry, "Stay there until we r done having the sexz!"

Sam cried silently.

When they entered the corn field, Frodo kissed Evie tenderly. he kissed her everywhere. Evie now knew what it meant to be a woman. She now knew what it meant to be a bobbit.

"Baby, you light up my world like nobody else," Frodo whispered to her in a seductive voice, "U dun kno-o-oh! oh Evie! u dun know you're..."

"ofrodofrodofrodoooooohh!"

Sam was getting really sad and lonely as tears rolled down his chubby cheeks, so he decided to go spy on them secretly. Sam tiptoed into the corn crop and creepily peered inside. his eyes burned at what he saw... (CHILDBLOCK! it so censored, i cannot even write it!RATED R, ppl, PM me if u want to know, lol jk) but Sam could not stop watching. He took out a bag of popcorn as he could not pry his gaze away from this masterpiece!

Suddenly Frodo stopped, "sum1, is watching."

Sam froze. o mother of pearl.

"OMG, how can u tell?" Evie was bewlildered.

"I can smell it in the air when someone is watching me about to do it," Frodo took a whiff into the air like a warg (middle earth wolf, c i knoe my stuff! looool), "its my sexth sense. see what I did ther?"

Evie began whimpering.

Suddenly, Frodo whipped out his AK-47.

"Oh noes!" Same whispered to himself.

Sam screamed like a woman as Frodo began shooting a barrage of bullets: BAM BAM BAM BAM... however... it was in teh other direction!

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! AIIIIIEEE! CAARAMBA!" sum1 screamed frantically. in fact, it was TWO sum1s!

Suddenly, two bobbits fell out of the bush of corn stalks. It was Pippin and Marie!

Evie was SOOO EMBARASSED! But Frodo hugged her tight.

"Y U DO DAT?" scramed Froho, "u friggin ugly perverse dobblegangers!"

Sam sighed a sigh of relief, "whew lol." then Sam runned away.

Marie wiped his filthy hand on his handy dandy handkerchief.

"OMG!" Pippin cried like he was in severus pain, "u shot me a mortal wound to my HEART!"

Mary put his handkerchief to Pippin's heart to stop the bleeding, but twa's to no avail bcuz it was a mortal wound.

"It ok," said Frodo, "Evie is a wizard. She has the power to fix this."

"Save me, beautiful maiden," Pippin screamed angstily, "u r my only hope."

Blood was spraying unnervingly from Pippin's breast. Luckily, Evie had a band-aid and she put it on Pippin's left nipple . Evie knew from advanced placement biology that the heart lies just under there.

"U saved him," cried Marie, "ily ily ily!"

"I owe u my life," said Pippin hubmbly, "Let me come with u on your journey to destroy the one ring."

"Ok," said Evie cutely, "I am always happy to have more friends. We have to go find Sam now."

"So cute..." whispered Frodo.

So then, Frodo, Pippin, Mary, and Evie found Sam who was taking a bubble bath in the pond.

"o hey... guuuuuys... wut took u so long?" Sam tried to sound casual and unsuspicious.

"o nuffing," Evie giggled.

And so, they continued on their epic journey.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

One day, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, Marie and Evie were all walking through the forest. It was very chilly out today. The wind blew very hard and Frodo held Evie very tightly to keep her warm. Dey were so dang cute 2gether that Arogan and Arwin wer so jealus bcuz they got nuffing on dem! Evie felt safe in Bilbo's strong, smexy arms. Pippin and Mary also embraced each other tight, but no homo, it was just cold so stop thinking like dat!

But Sam had no one. The wind was SO POWERFUL that it blew Sam's clothes right off and he cried like a woman. He felt cold and unwanted as his bare butt fluttered in da wind. But his curvy bum was warmed by the hot anger that slurged through it when he saw Mr. Frodo put his kissable arm around Evie.

"LET GO OFF HIM!" Sam suddnly cried out without even thinking!

"Sam, y r u naked?" exclaimed Frodo as he turned around.

"um, nvm," said Sam.

"ok," said Frodo understndingly.

They all stopped in a cave bcuz the wind was growing too strong, but der was only enuff space for four hobbits to fit!

"Sam, u need to stay outside," said Frodo apatheticlly, "u have to understand, ur nudity is making every1 in here uncomfytable."

"But Mr. Frodo, I LOVE YOU," Sam screamed passiontly.

"um wut?" said Frodo.

"nvm," blushed Sam.

Evie looked deep inside her kind and selfless heart, "I volounteer to take Sam's place."

Every1 stared at Evie and wondered how someone could be so beautiful and sexy inside and out. So, Frodo, Sam, Pipin and Merry huddled together in the cave while Evie battled the weather bodyciously.

"Hey Frofo," whispered Marie curiously and ponted at Evie , "y did u bring the breasts along?"

"i knoe y," giggled Pipin, "So dat we could all do it wif her... AT THE SAME TIME!"

"OMG no..." said Frodo.

"Shweet, gang bang, cud I join in?" Sam begged desperately.

"Awh, hell no," Pipin shook his head, "No Sams allowed, srry. Besides, we heard that Frodo chopped off ur manhood wit an axe." Pipping gave Frodo props.

"NO HE DINT" Sam suddenly pulled down his pants.

Everyone gasped!

"It grew back," explained Sam, "I watered it and gave it sunlight and even sang to it and den it blossomed!"

"Omg, lyk a flower?" Mary asked.

"WTF is this sorcery?!" Pippin cried.

Suddenly, Frodo took out his light saber and sliced Sam's thingy off (again).

Sam yelled, "Y WUD U DO THAT MR FRODO?!"

"Bcuz no1 wants to see that damn u!" Frodo screamed reasonably.

All of a sudden, Sam's thingy that lay on the ground began to writhe and wriggle and den it emanated sparkles and fairy dust. Every1 screamed and Frodo fainted, but Sam caught him lovingly. Suddenly Sam's severed thingy transformed... into GANDALF!

"wut r u doing here, Gandalf?" asked Frodo curiously.

"SILENCE YOU SNIVELING WANKERS" Gandalf exclaimed and lightning flashed behind him.

To be continued...

AN: leave ur comments and tell me wat u liked and how i cud improve da story. kthnxbai.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

AN: I wnt 2 thnx my friend, Chog, 4 making the super cuuute book cover and supporting my writing. ily!

Everyone stared at Gandalf in disbelieve! It was silent for a moment, as if sum1 had just died.

Then Gandalf yelled in a thundering boice, "I have sent you and your fwiends on an impotant mission, Frodo Baggins! U guys must destroy the 1 ring! Now stop touching urselves or else I will kill all you unattractive fools!"

"omg, plz don't," Pippin cried and wiped his sobbing nose on Gandalf's gey cloak.

Gandalf picked up Pippin in his wrinkly, but irresistable arms. Pippin was really small (bcuz he's a hobbit, duh) so Gandalf felt like he was a mother holding his baby and he rocked Pippin back and fort, back and forth.

"MAma, I want milky."

"wtf?" Gandalf dropped Pippin on the ground savagly then Pippin died from the great fall.

"No, Pipin!" Merry cried and ripped off his shirt, exposing a totaly ripped bod. It was so hawt.

"What a hunk," Sam ripped off his own shirt too jus for da heck of it. Sam was no hunk, doe, he was more of a chunk lol.

Then Mary was about to jump on Gandalf and tickle him to the ground but den Frodo held him back,.

"Unhand me!" Marry shrieked, tears streamed down his face, "He killed my bff!"

"SIT YO ASS DOWN," Gandalf proclaimed.

But Pippin would not sit his ass down. There4, Gandalf took out a tranquilizer and stabbed it in Pippin's ass. Pippin collapsed to the ground and twitched az if he wuz having a seizure.

All of a sudden, Evie entered the cave and she screamed, "Stop!"

Gandalf saw her. Evie looked beeautiful and sensual as usual. Her hair hung over her shoulders like a golden waterfall. She had aquatic blue eyes that sparkled from tears, and her lips were red and juicy like a candy apple. Gandalf loved candy apples, especially suckling on dem. She was petite and small, just his type. Gandalf gazed at her like he was in a dream, "Who r u?"

"I- I am Evangelina."

"Evangelina," Gandalf whispered like he was tasting her name on his tongue.

Frodo could see that Gandalf was undressing Evie wit his eyes so he got rlly jealous and said, "omg, wut a pedo, lulz."

"Am not," Gandalf said.

Gandalf was getting a b0ner and he did not want any1 to see so he said, "g2g." Gandalf threw a smoke bomb and suddenly disappeared.

Frodo shook his head, "Asshole."

Then Frodo hugged Evie who was crying radiantly. Evie was da only gurrl who could cry and still look luvly, Frodo thought. He turned his head and saw Sam picking up Pippin and Mary's dead bodys.

"OMG SAM! u necromaniac!" Frodo began taking out his knife, "What r u doing?!"

"Noooo, Mr Frodo, it's not what it looks like. I was just thinking we cud use some xtra food."

"Oh, gud idea, Sam" Frodo's smile was bright and his mesmerizing blue eyes were lyk totally seductive.

Sam blushed bcuz Frodo only complimented him once a year. Den Fogo cut up Merry's and Pippin's limbs. Sam smiled as he put Pippin and Marry into his backpack.

So then, they continued on their journey.

AN: dun forget to review & fav. kthnxbai3 ilyyyyyyyyz!11!11! 3333


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

One day, Frodo, Sam and Evie were laying in the forest. Evie wuz lying on her side, dreaming of Frodo and Sam and all the friends she has made. Dawn broke, flushing da sky wit a warm pinkish orange haze. Evie's golden lashes parted as she was stirred from her sweat reverie by the warm folds of puckered lips against da back of her neck.

"Frodo," Evie gigled, "Stup it, that tickles."

"Purrrr... purrrrrrr..." he whispered seductively.

Evie kept giggling and giggling den all of a sudden she realized that dat Frodo was lying on a pile of leaves right before her. So who's tongue was brush her neck and caressing her creamy skin?!

Evie whirled around to see it was GANDALF!

"OMGANDALF!" Evie screamed furiusly.

"u saw nothing," said Gandalf and he scurried away.

Sam saw everything and he chortled cruelly to himself.

All da commotion roused Frodo from his sleep and he whipped out his handy dandy sword, da sting, "what wrong, Evie?" He looked so concernd.

"Gandalf was making out wif my neck!" she cried.

Frodo scanned the area seriously, but saw nuffing, "Well, wher is he?"

"ummm... idk," Evie shrugged sadly.

Suddenly, a brilliantly despicible idea dawned on Sam and he laughed maniaclly, "She was prolly just dreaming dirty fings about Gandalf."

"WAT" Frodo looked at Evie like someone just stabbed him in his six pack, "WHY?! Are you lyk attracted to senior citizens or sumfing?!"

"No no no no!" Tears were streaming down Evie's perfectly heart-shaped face, "It's not like dat."

"Oh ya RIGHT!" Frogo pissed, "ppl don't just dream about getting it on wif Gandalf unless wrinklies arouse dem!"

Sam cackled like a witch.

Evie buried her face in her soft hands, "u don't understand..."

Frodo shook his head angrily, "I fink I do," Frodo heaved a deep, desperate sigh, "Let's just go."

They continued walking through the forest. Sam smiled pleasurefully at his acomplishments. He looked at Mr. Frodo who was pouting while a rain cloud hovererd over his head. So cute, Sam thought to himself. Then he looked at Evie who was crying softly. The last time Sam wise Gam-she was dis happy was when Mr Frodo was walking around without any shirt on!

Frodo, Sam, and Evie stumbled upon a little inn called Cozy Inn.

"Ummm... mista frodo... I need to use the washroom" Sam cried, "Can we stop here?"

"Whatever," said Frodo very emo. He wa so smexy when he got emo.

They entered into the inn and were flirtatiously greeted by the innkeeper behind the counter, "Hullo ther, I'm Boromir."

"Ohai," said Evie, "My friend needs to urinate."

"Oh okay," said Boromir excitedly.

Sam went into a corner and peed jovialy. Meanwhile, Evie and Frodo sat at one of the tables while Boromir served dem tequilas. Frodo would not even look at Evie even tho he would usually be admiring her angelic features by now. The tension made Evie so upset, but she noticed a dark, shady, horny man in the corner. She could not stop looking at him bec ause he looked even sexier than Jensen Ackles (an if u don't knoe who dat it is, look him up bcuz he is SO FINE, expecialy when he was young optimal HAWTNESSS!1).

Boromir came over and said, "omg, ur friend is pooing and we have a no poo policy so u guys better clean it up or else we will kick ur ass."

"Get the hell away from me," Frodo glared icily and stood on his chair.

Boromir threw himself and they began punching each other. Den Boromir started trying to rape Frodo. All of a sudden, everyone in the inn started fighting and a few ppl raped each other. IT WAS CHAOS!

Evie screamed when all of a sudden the man from the corner shot everyone in the bar. He walked coolly over to Frodo and Evie. Boromir screamed like a woman, "I sorry Strider! plz dun touch me again."

Strider pulled off his pants crisply and said, "Don't call me that. My name is Aragon."


	7. Chapter 7

Evie stared wide-eyed at the stoical, grey Aragorn. There he stood, more beautiful than she had ever even realized he could have been in that lonely corner. His eyes, steely and hawkish, wandered the room, passing across the faces of Frodo then Sam then Gimli then Boromir then they landed on Evie, locked on her and looking... impassioned... Evie gulped.

All of a sudden, Sam took out a knife and stabbd Evie like a wild fire. Sam said, "omg, I'm so sorry, girl."

"Ow, it's okay, Sam," said Evie forgivingly.

Frodo was enrangered by this and nearly screamed with severe contemptuous rage, but he did not because he was still mad at Evie and giving her the cold shoulder.

Suddenly, Aragorn ripped off his shirt, his chiseled muscles flexing as he pulled it over his head.

"Here," Aragon begins padding his shirt over Evie's wound. His touch warm, gentl as he blocks the blood from squirting out madly, "Let me help you."

Evie found herself blushing beat red, her eyes passing over the smooth musclature of his torso.

"Omhyogosh, let's go," Frodo shook his head and left. Evie, Sam and Strider followed.

But Evie could not walk so Aragorn piggybacked her. Evie rested her head on his broad shoulders and felt her eyes flutter as the intoxicing smell of Aragon's body odour pulled her eyes closed.

Frodo did not like some guy being so close to his PRECIOUS EVIE! but he did not want ot show his blatent, bitter jealousy. it would give Evie far too much satisfying gratifcation so he did not bother.

The four of the continued dowwn a dirt path, a cool breeze passing through as birds chirped. Then the sky turned dark and a greybearded man appeared before them. unfortunately, Sam thought the tall man was a tree and pissed on him then the greybeard said, "YOU SHALL NOT PISS (LOL!1!)"

"omgosh, i'm so sorry, girl," Sam blushed.

It was Gandalf and he was pissed... on... (LOL, I'M SRRY BAHAHA).

"Baka!" Aragorn yelled.

"Cum wif me," said Gandalf and they all followed him because he was wise and trusting.

The guys and Evie reached a dark, misty cave and they entered. Gandalf lit up his staff with a blue illuminating light and they went down the chilly, narrow passage. They got led into a bright room where a disco ball was lighting up the room like nobody else. All over the place, elves were bellydancing and Gandalf joined them.

"Where r we?" Evie was groggily woken by the incredulous music blasting from the speakers.

"Shhhh..." Aragorn whispered and she slept.

"These are elves?" said Sam sexily.

"You think?" Frodo brumbled, "Dumbum."

Sam sighed wearily.

Then an elf with long, blonde, flowing locks of gold locks approached them. He kissed them each on the cheek because that was the custom for elves. Sam hid his blushing with a napkin.

"I am glad you could all come," said the whimsical elf, his crystal sapphire eyes dazzling.

Then Evie awoke. She was awoken by the familiar, crisp voice. She called out in disbelief "Brother!"

"Evie?!" exclamed the knife-eared man in even more disbelief, "I thought I lost you... sister dear."


End file.
